We are getting ready to go! The packing list is written and printed...the shopping is complete, gifts for the nannies have been hand sewn - things are moving right along and the days are FLYING by. We are very excited and looking forward to holding Baby T soon! The light at the end of the tunnel is shining brighter and brighter.
But I had an awakening that rattled me. An awakening that I was taking a lot for granted...and forgetting about something...something that could change our course...that could change everything...that could hurt.
I checked in on the agency forum to see if others had received referrals, court dates, embassy dates... and then I saw a post that brought me to tears. A family is withdrawing from the Ethiopia program after four failed referrals. My heart sank as I read this...I can't fathom the heartache. This last referral, the family was getting ready to travel for their court date and during the birth family court date, the birth mother changed her mind and decided to parent. How heartbreaking to read the blog of this family and their journey to try and adopt a child from Ethiopia. But for whatever the reason, it isn't meant to be. I have been praying for peace for this family and for God to open the door at the right time for them and to reveal his plan to them in his time.
I went to bed that night, exhausted from the day and fell into a very deep, hard sleep. 1:30am I woke up, wide awake from a dead sleep. I wasn't sure what was going on, but I heard the Lord speaking to me, saying, 'pray for the birth mother'. I wasn't sure how to pray, what to pray... "Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." Romans 8:26
As I laid there, I was hit over the head... Recently I had overlooked this part of the journey. In order to adopt an available child, parental rights have to be terminated. And a birth parent CAN change their mind. Even in International adoptions. Even after a child has been in an orphanage for months and months. Anything can happen at any time. And I was reminded of that - in a very humbling way. I was reminded that I forgot about our birth mom. The fog began to clear for me, and the Lord made it clear to me what I was to pray for. And I began to pray.
I prayed for her. I prayed for God's will to be done. I prayed that the best decision would be made for the sake of Baby T. That if our birth mom does decide to parent, that she would be surrounded with love, support and resources to help her parent. If she is to continue on her chosen path for Baby T, and have us parent him, then I gladly welcome him as my son and will parent him, teach him about Jesus, hold fast to his roots, remember his birth mom and celebrate her who gave up everything to give him hope. Whatever the outcome, I will rejoice.
I didn't sleep much... As I was awake on and off, I prayed. I woke the next morning in tears. Will asked me if I was ok. I said, no, I'm not and I proceeded to tell him about the awakening God had with me - both physical and in my heart. I told Will, whatever happens on Tuesday, I will praise God. I am emotionally invested in this. All in.
God knocked me into place. He humbled me. Here I was, acting as if this adoption is a 'done deal' when it isn't. God's Will Be Done. I became disassociated with the birth family part of the 'process' and my only excuse is I got so caught up in the moment, focused on traveling and it was easy to forget when everything is being done on the other side of the world and we aren't seeing it all unfold right in front of us. With E-man, we were here. We sat through it. We held our birth mom's hand. We prayed for her and with her and that God's will be done. It was tough. Ok, tough isn't really a good word. There isn't a word that describes what you feel. It was very emotional. You try not to get emotionally involved, let yourself fall completely in love with this child, until you know he is yours. You guard and protect yourself - so if God's will is for the birth family to parent, it won't hurt so much.
I am completely vulnerable this time. I am completely in love with Baby T. I am emotionally involved. I have his clothes washed, his bed ready, his things here, ready for him to come home. I call him my son. And that may not be the case....depending on God's will. But I continue to trust in the Lord, give it all to him, pray for our birth mom, and pray God's will be done.
If you will, please pray for our birth mom. Pray for all birth families. She goes to court on Tuesday, November 15. Please remember her as you pray for us. The last few days have been very emotional and I now feel like I felt 3 years ago as we waited to know if E would be ours. But this time, we aren't guarded... we are 100% all in. All of us. Our extended families included. And I remember to pray every day, and will continue to pray every day for Baby T's enat...(that is Amharic for mother).
I am thankful God shook me up, knocked me back into place and humbled me... I hope I am a better mother as a result of it.
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