Conflicted

On this Ash Wednesday...
He will bring beauty from ashes

  

Conflicted. I wish I had a better word for the feelings I have right now.  But conflicted seems the best fit. I hope I can make it through this post... I haven't posted in a few days, and I felt it was time to write SOMETHING....

Last week we found out we were going to have a conference call with our agency and our in-country director.  That call was this morning.  In preparation for the call, several of us got together and talked about what questions we have and what answers are we looking for if there are such answers.

The good news... we spoke directly with the team there in ET and received updated information on what has been going on, what is going on, and where we are. That gave us a lot of peace... we've been staring into a black hole for the past 89 days... so the information we received, helped. A lot.

The not so good news... based on the new information, it looks like we are going to be waiting a lot longer to bring Baby T home.  He won't so much be a baby anymore... And he will have spent more than a year in an orphanage... which is basically his whole life. All he knows is orphanage life.

I don't want to 'shock' anyone with my thoughts and feelings... but I have to ask, 'God, why?' I am failing to see and understand... I am failing to see how a God who loves us soooo much, would put his children (the youngest ones specifically) through this.  I am not doubting God, or losing my faith, trust me on this.  But it is the human side of me... I know the Bible is full of God's promises... and I know He has a reason for this wait.

He called us to this journey... I know he said, 'take up your cross and follow me' not take up your easy chair and follow me... I have to ask, 'God why? We have been obedient every step of the way... we stepped out of our comfort zone on so many levels because you asked us to... so why this part now when we were so close to the end of this process? Why all of this? WHY???

The pain... the hurt... the constant feeling like I am bent over, gasping for air every second of every day is agony. I don't know how else to describe the feeling... the feeling of loss we have right now. The grief... if you haven't walked the road of adoption, it is hard to understand. 

But if you haven't adopted, then I use this analogy...

If you have birthed a child yourself, imagine, carrying your child for 9 months, you have fallen in love with your unborn baby and can hardly wait for him/her to enter the world...then you give birth, you get to spend time with your baby, hold him, cuddle him, feed him, feel his breath against your skin.... and then the nurse whisks him away to the nursery and you can't see him or hold him again for an indefinite period of time. Imagine how that would feel. 

That's how we feel. We have been 'pregnant' on paper... however our pregnancy lasts years instead of months... we don't have an end in sight.... {tears... now turning into a river....}

I don't want to end this on a doom and gloom... because there are so many things I am thankful for. So many moments we have been given with our son that I treasure and hold onto so tightly in my heart and my mind. I can still smell him... I can hear his little laugh...

I am also thankful for the families and friends who have travelled this road ahead of us and are walking with us through this, carrying this burden with us. I am thankful for the friends God has put in our path who are walking this exact road right along with us. Some of them we've never met in person... but God has given us each other to walk with, support one another... I am thankful for the community of fellow believers who have committed to pray for us... I am thankful.

Through this trial... God, I praise you.  When we have joys to celebrate... God, I praise you. You are sovereign and you will see us through this.  You are my strength and my shield. 

Praying for a miracle for God's littlest angels...