Rinse and Repeat

Day 65... still no news. I thought I would just get that out of the way from the get go. :-)

I have been on an electronic media fast or hiatus... it has done my heart and soul good. I truly don't know what is going on in the world... I didn't know it was going to storm so badly the other day until my neighbor said so...he looked at me like I was a bit crazy for not knowing.  That's ok... I am ok with that.

So how are we? Taking each day as it comes.  Missing our littlest more than words can say.  How have the last 65 days been?  Extremely difficult. Heart wrenching. Full of heart ache. Miserable. Those words don't even translate well into the feelings we have had. A dull ache in my heart.  I have been sad more days than I care to count.

I have cried.

A lot.

Then around 2 weeks ago we had a family illness strike, and my focus shifted off of our wait to my family. I was away from home with E for 10 days taking care of my parents and helping out with them.  This family 'tragedy' has taken a toll on all of us.  I thought I was under a lot of stress with just our own situation... but I got a heap more poured on, and well, I had even more stress than I cared to have.  We are still taking it one day at a time with the global family issue, and it's all we can do right now. 

And Pray.
Prayer has been my thing... I have been talking a lot to the Lord.  I gave it all up to him... I was trying so hard to carry all of this myself, and I just can't. I know that I can't, but I still tried to carry it all... that's my personality - the 'Do it all' kind of girl... and I fail.

I need Jesus.
 
We came home from being with my parents and I had a couple day turn around before I headed out to an adoptive mom's retreat with Kelly... a retreat where I was looking forward to refreshment in the Lord... spending time with Him... being in His presence... being renewed and filled up again.  My cup was empty... I had nothing left to give... anyone...

I just need Jesus.

We made record time left early to get to the lodge where the retreat was. We had time to check in, relax and get registered before our first session began.  The first session we took was called Creative Quiet Time (finding creative ways to have quiet time with the Lord while being a busy mom) and it ended with A Date with God.  I forgot what I had signed up for sessions until I got there... but I picked what I thought would be 'relaxing', nothing heavy... I didn't want to study any more about adoption parenting, issues adopted children may have, attachment... I think from all the education training hours we have we nearly have a degree in adoption! So my goal when I signed up for sessions was to take it easy, very laid back... I don't want to think... but when I got there, I had no clue what I signed up for.

But God knew. He knew. He knew several months ago when I registered exactly what I would need this weekend. He directed me in choosing the sessions I chose. He knew what I needed to hear at this exact moment in time. He knew how to fill my cup and let me know he is near.

So the first session was AMAZING. The Date with God was the amazing part.  This was the PERFECT way to start the weekend.  It set the stage for the rest of the weekend.  It was necessary to clear out my heart... get rid of the junk... to leave all my troubles and all my stress right there with Jesus.

I got to pray for Ethiopia. Tears streamed down my face as I prayed for Ethiopia.  I then asked God what scripture he would want me to read and mediate on... and it was Isaiah 58.

¹ “Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the descendants of Jacob their sins.
² For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.
³ ‘Why have we fasted,’ they say,
‘and you have not seen it?
Why have we humbled ourselves,
and you have not noticed?’

“Yet on the day of your fasting, you do as you please
and exploit all your workers.
⁴ Your fasting ends in quarreling and strife,
and in striking each other with wicked fists.
You cannot fast as you do today
and expect your voice to be heard on high.
⁵ Is this the kind of fast I have chosen,
only a day for people to humble themselves?
Is it only for bowing one’s head like a reed
and for lying in sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast,
a day acceptable to the LORD?

⁶ “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?
⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe them,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness^[a] will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

“If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,
¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.
¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail. ¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

¹³ “If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD’s holy day honorable,
and if you honor it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,
¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride in triumph on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob.”
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.

And then I had time to simply be still... and pray for my family... and have my prayer interrupted with a vision and instruction from the Holy Spirit to pray for someone specifically. I switched my prayer and did so.  As my time came to an end during the date, I took my tear stained face and received a blessing from Jenny. How she knew just what to pray, and that it was so on the money, causing tears to spring from my eyes once again... I knew that the Holy Spirit was within her, speaking to me. 

I knew as I walked out of that session that my cup was going to be filled this weekend.

And it was. From meeting so many wonderful moms, hearing God's story over and over... seeing pictures of the miracles that He created... it was an amazing time of refreshment, renewal, and rest. I am thankful for the team that put the event together, and for one woman, who listened to the voice of God and answered the call to care for adoptive moms. Thank you, Andrea.

There is a lot of stress, but I am trying so hard to see the positive and give it to God every day. That is a daily struggle... but I have to trust Him. When I have nothing left I have to cast it all on him (until I take it back again) and then I will rinse, and repeat.

It has been 65 days since we last saw our baby boy.  And tomorrow will be day 66.  I am reminding myself that it is 65 days that I have known him personally and loved him more than I did the days before we met. 

Rinse and repeat...
Rinse and repeat...