Infertility

July 14, 1997.  I remember this day vividly...well, fairly vividly amongst the haze of the pain, IV tubes, and Demerol. I was 27 years old and in the hospital being prepped for surgery. Surgery that would bring relief from the constant pain, set me free from the monthly injections, and would change my life and my future forever. There was no turning back - if I wanted to live a "normal" life and not be burdened with debilitating pain, then this surgery was necessary.  I look back and all I see is a young woman just trying to live a normal life - unsure of what the future held, but knew the "here and now" was the most important...just trying to make it through to tomorrow. I couldn't really see beyond the present state to what "might be". I just desperately wanted to be free of pain, able to stand up, able to not double over in pain, able to simply walk!

I was being wheeled into surgery, my mom and dad by my side - kissing me on the cheeks saying "I Love You - it will be OK" as tears streamed down my face. The haze settled in and I closed my eyes....the next thing I remember was slowly waking up to a nurse slapping me. Slowly... ever so slowly I was refusing to wake up (hence the slapping). I finally woke up - didn't feel so good...puked on the cute male nurse...sorry! I was wheeled to my room where I spent the next several days in the hospital recovering. I remember having to cough a lot and breathe in the tube to blow the little ball up to the top (so I could keep my lungs clear and not get pneumonia)...I was recovering from a complete hysterectomy.

I spent eight weeks recovering and my body going through a lot of changes. The hormone adjustment was the biggest thing to figure out! Wow - talk about a roller coaster ride! I am really glad that it didn't take too long to straighten out - but it was a process. I do have to take a hormone replacement every day - that will not change. I was recovering and feeling great!

Time moved forward - and I got better and stronger every day. I didn't have the pain I had every day...those no pain days turned into weeks, then months, then years. I was free of that pain! God was merciful and gave me relief! God also was weaving my story and His plan together - though I had no idea at the time. I now was unable to have children and honestly, I was ok with that. I had no idea that He intended for me to be a mother. I believed that it was of my own choice that I would not be a mother.
I wasn't in a position or at a point in my life at the age of 27 where I was thinking of children. I didn't cry because I could not have children. I was really ok with it. I was the career driven type - work, work, work. I was all about work and climbing the corporate ladder. Even when we fast forward several years and I marry Will - we were still ok with being DINKS (Dual Income No Kids). But then something happened...

Will and I had been praying for God's direction in our lives because we were feeling like something was going to be changing...we didn't know what it was and we were praying for clarity. God was inviting us to join Him where He was - and that meant we'd have to make some serious changes in our lives. In this invitation, He was inviting us to become parents to His precious babies. We will never forget how it happened. If you read the other entries, you know God gets our attention in "in your face" ways. This was no different. We accepted God's invitation to join Him - and we have been forever changed in every aspect of our lives. Family being a big part of that change.

So is adoption our plan B? Is adoption God's provision for our infertility or is our infertility God's provision for an orphan? I can easily answer those two questions - once we accepted God's invitation, adoption is our plan A. We weren't even thinking about having children before this! Children weren't on our radar screen.  Our infertility is God's provision for an orphan. God gives and takes away - we don't always understand why but He has a reason - and He does it to bring glory to Himself.

Are there times when I am sad that I cannot have children naturally? There have been a few times over the years. But I know that God took that away so that He could give me a greater gift - a gift that totally glorifies Him. Being responsible for taking care of His chosen, precious babies is quite an honor. Having my heart break for something that breaks God's heart leaves me speechless. James 1:27 has become our family motto - and we know that God is very serious about caring for the fatherless - so are we. I am elated that adoption is our plan A. We may end up with a baseball team that's how excited I am about it!

We may not share DNA with our children, but we share the unconditional love of Jesus and have the opportunity to look into HIS face every day. Some have said our little E and our next kiddos are lucky. No, we are the lucky ones.